An essential component of being unbothered is not being in love with being liked - in marginalizing the opinions of The Others.

What do I mean by that?

Think about your social ecosystem outside yourself as concentric circles. The innermost circle is your immediate family - partner and kids, if either apply. These people matter most. Beyond that is extended family, whether chosen or genetic: The people who’d drop a broom mid-stroke and head for the car if something happened to you. These people matter too, though their needs shouldn’t supersede your immediate family’s.

Beyond that are people who aren’t subscribed to your every move, but still have your best interests at heart. Second tier friends, your closest coworkers, people at your place of worship if it applies. Their opinions still bear some measure of weight, but the fabric starts to break down here. Maybe they’ve got enough information about your situation to speak intelligently into your situation, maybe not. You have to use more discernment here when you get critique and feedback.

Then there are The Others. Who are the others? Mere acquaintances, friends of friends, random people in the coffee shop. Their opinions should count for little or nothing in the grand scheme of things - at least, not until they prove themselves worthy of promotion in your circles. If you worry about what The Others think, I promise, you will get and stay bothered. Don’t be in love with being liked by them.

In a group of ten of these people, there will somehow be twelve different opinions about how you should be doing something. You shouldn’t care. Don’t be so in love with being liked that you kowtow to these people. Woman at the coffee shop snorts because your kid is wearing costume jewelry? Her opinion is worth absolutely nothing.

Hard to shake the feeling? Frame it a different way:

Imagine the person in question rang your doorbell. You answer the door and find they’re holding a very ugly, very complicated-looking vacuum cleaner. They ask if you have a few moments to discuss the state of the carpets in your home. Would you feel badly declining their offer out of hand and sending them on their way?

Of course not. Their offer was unsolicited, and put you under no obligation beyond the social norms they’re hoping you’ll cave to so they can get a sale.

You’d point them to the sidewalk and go about your day without giving the situation a second thought. You wouldn’t engage them, wouldn’t tip them money, wouldn’t talk any more than is necessary to get them back on their way.

So why would you give the coffee shop snorter any more credence? She brought something to your doorstep - her opinion - which was both ugly and unsolicited, and you may, with the exact same guiltlessness as if she were lugging a canister vacuum, summarily dismiss her in turn. You needn’t buy into what she’s saying, nor give some coin of continued thought about her. You can ignore her, walk away…

…and then not think about it again.

I realize that last part is difficult. We humans don’t like when we feel another of our kind thinks poorly of us. It makes us self-conscious and analytical. Remember, though: That opinion was based on a glance. It has no foundation and is safely dismissed. And the same holds whether it’s about your kids’ fashion sense, or how long your partner’s going to breastfeed, or how long “you’re going to play Mr. Mom.”

Nobody in your circles would question these things, or at the very least wouldn’t put them these ways. There are no rays of warmth in these things.

They’re the utterances of The Others.

Their available information to need to know ratio is the same as mine was as a third grader, raising my hand in a church business meeting and asking the prospective new pastor if his salary had been discussed. The detonation of laughter around me gave me a creeping suspicion it was possible I was out of my depth, speaking to matters I knew about but didn’t know of.

It’s safe to treat The Others’ muttering with the same contempt.

I mean, maybe do it a little more quietly, but still.

Don’t be in love with being liked.